Until Next Time...Saying Goodbye

I don’t even know how to process today... Makenna and I are both baffled at how to even begin. We’re sitting next to each other, and for at least 5 minutes our screens were blank. Just a blinking space bar to taunt me. It’s been a long, hard, day. And I’m not sure any of us realized it would be that way.

I woke up this morning and was super tired, I thought I was going to be skipping breakfast. So I slept in until 7, woke up and got ready super quickly and ended up going to breakfast. Everyone was so quiet, thinking about what lay ahead. And I wanted to be joyful, glad for the times that we had with the kids, but boy, it was hard. I was sad. Numerous times Annie said I didn’t look good. But we ate and headed off to the orphanage.

We spent our time with the babies this morning because we’d been told that we would have a party with the older kids in the afternoon. So I got Cassie from the big kid room and we had some fun together. She seemed to be doing well at first. She was alert and looking all over, holding her head up for long periods of time.

Shannon and I went and met with the director to ask some questions. We asked about the heart babies and it sounds like Love Without Boundaries decides who gets surgeries and they fundraise for them. So we’ll be in contact with them when we get home about the heart babies. We had a good meeting and I was happy to hear the answers to some questions. If I remember I’ll post them later.

After that I went to find Cassie because she was crying. Her ear started to hurt her again, and had stuff coming out of it. It was so gross, and I could tell it hurt her a lot. She was also tired and hungry which didn’t help. But I was able to calm her down by rocking. She would fall asleep for a few minutes and then wake up because she would hear someone and be distracted looking. So I tucked myself into a corner hoping it would work. And it did for the most part, but people still went to get things off of a nearby shelf, and she heard and would become upset.

Eventually her bottle came and I was able to feed her. She sucked that thing down! And she wanted even more, and whined and fussed until they got to her the second bottle. She only ate probably 2 ounces of the second one, though, and wouldn’t take it no matter what I did. She NEEDS that so bad… she probably needs about 3 of those to get her fat. After that she fell asleep, and it’s the most peaceful I’ve seen her my entire trip. I could tell her ear hurt her so bad today, though, because she kept rubbing it. It made me so sad. She’d had that since we got there, and I can only imagine how she felt.

The time came for us to leave and the nannies came to take her away. I kissed her so many times and was very teary eyed.

It’s hard saying bye to Cassie and Sarah, because they’re special need babies. The others I KNOW will be adopted. The cute little ones and the healthy babies. But the ones with severe special needs, it’s hard to see, because I think that they’ll be here with the older kids soon. And for Sarah and Cassie, I don’t know if they’ll live much longer if they don’t gain weight and get surgery. I pray that they stay strong, and that they are fighters.

I smelled like her all day. At one point in the day I even sprayed body spray on me to get rid of the nasty smell, but that didn’t work too well. But now, it’s surprisingly comforting. The smell that once repulsed me, gives me peace and comfort. It’s amazing what one week can do.

Anyways, after lunch I came back and started to pack up my bags. *sigh*

Back at the orphanage, most of the older kids were still in bed from their nap and getting dressed/changed. So we spent a few minutes cooling off in the baby room and counting our money for the donation. With the money we had, we were able to replace cribs in 1 ½ rooms. Praise God! Because they needed them.

When we went out to find the kids, they were still getting dressed. At one point I looked into the hall and Macy was getting lip stick on her cheeks and the nanny rubbed it in, like blush, along with a red dot on her head. And she thought it was so funny. Soon a lot of the girls got them, which was cute.

They were all super excited and wound up about this afternoon. It was crazy crazy, but I loved seeing them so excited.

We spent the first hour doing some crafts, such as making door hangers and coloring. The kids really love any craft. Macy took Taylor and sat him in my lap while she stood and colored on hers. Taylor wrote his name a few times in Chinese and did a great job. I was super impressed.

Chun Chun was so sweet and made me a door hanger with her Chinese name and my Chinese name, and then “I love you” in Chinese. It was so sweet. I love that girl SO much. I am so touched by her generosity and kindness.

For awhile we just had some free time to play with the kids.  Someone got some dress up clothes out, and Macy put on a cute ballerina tutu on. I didn’t see her do it, but when she came over to show me, she was BEAMING. It made me smile so much. When I made a big deal out of it, she giggled so much. I loved it.

I love her.

I really wish I was 30.

I really wish I could adopt.

Because I’d take her home in a heartbeat.

Nevermind her disability. We’d work around it.

She is PERFECT in my eyes, and I wish I could bring her home with me.

AGH. It is so hard.

Anyways, the time came for us to have our party. We had a lot of confusion on where it would be happening, and at what time, but we finally figured it out. The party was held on the 9^th floor.

We’ve never been up there before, and it looks like a big conference room. There was a stage and chairs all lined up for us and the kids.

While we waited I listened to sweet Emmy sing, and Annie taught Gracie how to dougie. Hahaha. So funny.

Our program started with us presenting the president of the orphanage with a map of the world, and we’d tied red thread from Chenzhou to each of our homes in America. I loved it, and I think they did too. They presented us with gifts. We each got a beautiful embroidered handkerchief and a picture frame with a picture of us at the orphanage. It was such a sweet and thoughtful gift, and we all love them. After that we gave out the nanny bags to all the nannies and any other extra workers.

Then it all began. A few of the kids got up on the stage and sang a song with hand motions for us. They were so cute, and they had SO much fun doing it.

The second song was with most of the kids and a few nannies, and they danced around in a circle singing. I can’t really tell you what they were saying… man, I really need to learn Chinese.

Our turn came next, and we all got up to sing Edelweiss, once in English, and then Annie sang it in Chinese. She’d worked so hard to learn it, and she did a fantastic job. They all sang along with her the second time.

After that we decided we should do the Cha Cha Slide. So we invited some of the kids to get up and do it with us, and they all jumped up immediately and came on stage. Haha. I went down to grab Macy, but she didn’t want to come up. I don’t think she realized I was going to hold her and dance with her, and she didn’t want to just be sitting on the stage with me. So she kept shaking her head.

So we got up on stage and looked like fools doing the Cha Cha slide :). The kids seemed to like it, and tried to catch on which was fun. Macy ended up coming on stage, so I grabbed her and we danced and had some fun. I really enjoyed dancing with her.

The closing act were all the nannies and kids. They got up and sang a song together. Towards the end of the song, all the nannies started crying really hard. So naturally, seeing them cry, made us cry. They’re all so sweet, and I love them all so much.

After that we brought out two big cakes that we had bought for everyone. They were covered in fruit and beautiful. When the kids saw them they all went CRAZY. One cute girl, Ava, went and stuck her fingers in the frosting and thought she was SO funny. Oh goodness. We lit the really cool flower candles, and then sang happy birthday to all the kids. Everyone really enjoyed the cake… but I’m pretty sure we loved it more than anyone else. We devoured the fruit on top of one of them. Kiwi, pineapple, peach and all. It was SO good. I’ve missed fruit so much. It was delicious. And everyone was digging in… forget the actual cake, we wanted the fruit! Haha.

After everyone was done, we helped clean up and then headed down to get our stuff. I brought Macy in with me, and she looked through all the stuff we brought for the babies and picked up a bunch of toys wondering what they were. Then I brought her into the room they usually stay in and gave her lots of hugs and kisses. We did our usual tickle fight, swung her upside down, and just sat there chillin’ with each other, too. She loves all of them. It was time for us to go, but I just couldn’t say goodbye. I started bawling, along with Elyssa and Charlie on either sides of the room. Bawling saying goodbye to our precious children. I can’t even tell you how many kisses I gave Macy. At one point, a nanny came and took her away… and it was way too soon. I needed more time. Just a few more minutes.

But I leaned down and kissed Sarah and Cassie one more time, saying a little prayer over them. Still bawling, mind you.

Joy came in the room and saw all of us in a mess, and came over and gave me a big hug. She said, “Don’t cry! Don’t cry!” So many times in Chinese, and wiped my tears. I kept nodding, but they just kept coming. She was bawling too. She held me tight, and we just hugged each other for a long time.

Then sweet Macy found her way back into my room, so I quickly snatched her up and started walking to the door. I told her so many times I loved her, and that she’s going to make a family so happy someday. I cried more than I think I ever have.

It hurts. And reliving it right now, makes my heart hurt to the core.

I stood in the hallway waiting for Charlie, Elyssa, and Molly to come out. They walked out and so did Joy. So that was it. I HAD to say goodbye now. So I took Macy, held her as tight as I could and kissed her all over like I always did. And she didn’t even try to wipe all my kisses off this time :’). I set her down and told her one last time that I loved her, and then walked away. She looked so sad… it broke my heart.

Joy was so sweet to me today. Kept telling me as we walked to the elevator not to cry. We hugged each other as we both cried. She was like a mother though, comforting me and telling me everything would be alright. She wiped my tears and we acted alright.

When we reached outside Chun Chun came up one last time to see me and I gave her a hug and assured her I would email her when I got home. She smiled and told me not to cry, she will see me next time. :)

Joy kept acting like she wasn’t coming to dinner with us tonight, and she still had her uniform on. She kept shaking her head no and making an eating motion, so I didn’t think I’d get to see her again. But when the driver came to pick us up for dinner, she hopped in the car with us and drove off. We were all delighted.

When we got to the restaurant and it was weird because all of our team sat at one table and the staff sat on another because there wasn’t enough room. It just was very strange. But they paid for our meal, which was very nice.

 

At the end, Mr. Ren presented us with a nice group picture that we had taken that day. It was such a sweet picture and I’m in love with it.

We started to leave and gave everyone hugs once more. Everytime I saw Joy, though, I just cried. She has the most beautiful smile, and even when she cried tonight, she smiled and stayed strong. I hugged her one more time and the tears came, and she quickly wiped them from my eyes saying, “Until next time, until next time.”

And that’s how I’ll end the night: Until Next Time.

Because in that statement is hope. Hope for me, hope for the kids, and hope for the nannies.

I miss them already. And all that I can do to explain to you is that it hurts.

Pain for those children and pain for me.

I fell in love with this place all over again. And I think it caught me off guard.

I think it caught a lot of us off guard. I don’t think any of us thought it would be this hard. And I’ve never cried this hard in my life.

I even attached a picture of me and Joy crying. I realized I hadn’t gotten a picture with her, so I asked while we were in the middle crying… and this is even AFTER we had calmed ourselves down. So  you don’t believe me? Look at the picture. We both are looking rough, but really, that’s how hard it is.

Anyways, I’m done. Tomorrow we leave Chenzhou early in the morning for Hong Kong. And then we’ll have a day there. Pray for our travels and time together. I know we all needed an upbeat day after today.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed today. SO much. And the rest of the week. And I leave them in peace knowing that they’re in good care. It’s still just sad. And I know the Lord has placed this love in our hearts for a reason. And I’m SO excited to see what He uses it for.

One thing we noticed this year as that they were very welcoming, and a lot more open with their emotions. Much more affectionate and loving towards us, which was wonderful. We’re making breakthroughs, and I’m so glad.

Anyways, I need to get to bed. We leave bright and early tomorrow. Thank you all for your prayers today. I know they helped a lot.