First thing... Yes, I am alive. :)
I know I haven't posted anything since my last day in Chenzhou. I wanted to. I wanted to post pictures from Beijing. I didn't have time while we were there.
I wanted to write a post once I got home. Just a reflection. But I couldn't. I couldn't find the words.
I would toss and turn at night thinking of my sweet kids. Wondering if they ask for us. Wondering if they are still hoping that we will come back soon. Wondering if sweet Nathan, Minnie, and Angelina were searching their cribs for us in the morning... waiting for us to pick them up and play.
I would go to work and watch as children would whine and complain about how they needed more clothes. They needed this shirt to go with these pants. They needed this headband and shoes because they matched. They needed them.
And it made me ill inside thinking of the kids, who I just held in my arms 72 hours earlier, that had a total of two outfits. Two.
Sweet Lena showing off her fruit loop necklace
I felt guilty. Guilty living in this wealthy country where kids have the ability to whine and convince their parents that they need more clothes. Guilty for living the way that I do.
I still can't seem to find the words for how I feel.
Sad. Guilty. Broken.
So many thoughts and emotions run through my head on a daily basis concerning Chenzhou. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my kids in that orphanage.
Upon my arrival home, I was constantly checking my email waiting for news on the heart babies.
We left Chenzhou with no papers signed, no idea when they would be signed. Just "soon" according to the director. So we prayed and hoped that she would do it over the weekend while we were traveling. We prayed we would hear news when we got home.
But we didn't. In fact, we kept getting confusing information. Which ultimately freaked me out. What on earth is going on in China? Why is this so confusing? I kept thinking.
I don't think I've ever checked my email as much as I did that week when I returned home.
And with every check of my email I wished that we could be there holding them.
Every day. Every night. I would go to bed and think, "Oh, it's ___ time there, I'm sure they'll email me back today. I'll check it one more time." And then I would wake up around 2 am and check it again, because it was afternoon there. And then again in the morning. I was seriously addicted. And my phone hardly left my side.
Finally, on July 25th I got an email saying that Sarah and Charlotte would be going to Beijing sometime the following week. I was ecstatic! I quickly called my friends Amy and Julia to share the news, and we both cried over the phone and rejoiced together.
They would be in Beijing soon. They would get the nutrients that they needed soon. They would be healthy again, soon. And they would get those life saving surgeries, SOON.
Those toes would soon turn to a pretty pink color!
PRAISE GOD.
August 2nd I woke up to an email from a friend and our China guide telling me the same thing: Sarah and Charlotte had arrived in Beijing two days earlier (July 31st), and they were getting settled into their new environment. THEY WERE THERE!
EVEN BIGGER PRAISE.
I was so excited. It was just the kind of news that I needed going into working the crazy tax-free weekend. I was so excited.
Singing praises to God all day. And I'm still singing them. He is SO good. All the glory goes to Him.
One thing that I talk to Amy about was the fact that while we were there, we both felt so helpless. We couldn't do anything on our own. There is so much brokenness in an orphanage. So much hurt. So many needs. And we couldn't fix any of them. But we serve a God who is mighty, who holds each and every one of these orphans, each and every one of their needs in His hands. And HE can fix them all.
Praising God for His hand in everything. He has worked miracles, and I'm so blessed to have been able to witness them.
I have a few more prayers: Pray that Sarah and Charlotte would transition into their new "home" easily. Pray that they would be at peace, and that the Lord would comfort them during this time. Pray that they get healthy, that their bodies absorb all the nutrients that they need. Pray that they stay strong. Pray that they are fighters.
That had been my prayer last year. Dear Lord, I pray that Sarah and Cassie are fighters. Hold on. Keep them strong.
I am so sad and still so torn up by the fact that Cassie has passed away. I wish we would have stepped up sooner to help save her life. But I know that she has been completely healed by the Healer, and her heart is whole. I know that she is in heaven celebrating the great news of her friends with all the angels.
Sarah is our little fighter. Praying she continues to fight!
THANK YOU to everyone who has prayed for these sweet babies. Your prayers and words of encouragement has meant more than you know to me and to my team. And Sarah thanks you, too. :)
