It seems all I can think about is China, China, China.
Every time I flip through a magazine, there's China. Or simply through my house... so many Chinese decorations.
Recently, every time I close my eyes to sleep, I'm greeted with beautiful Chinese faces with almond eyes from the orphanage I've visited. The dreams of China just won't stop.
Even today I was in class doing a writing prompt, and my friend says to me, "Hey! Let's write about the "your" kids in China." (yes, she said "your").
I've been reading "Kisses from Katie" by Katie Davis, and whenever she mentions Uganda and her love for it and the children, I think about how much I love CHINA and the KIDS I've met there.
CHINA CHINA CHINA.
It's been popping so much so that now I'll look at the clock when I wake up in the morning and go, "hmm, I wonder what the orphanage is doing right now. Probably eating, getting ready for bed, or sleeping..." and when I go to bed, "Oh, the kids are probably starting their day now. The oldest, Will and June, in school, and the younger kids studying at the orphanage."
Recently, the memories from my last trip has been popping into my head. Like, seeing Will for the first time in a year, and him grabbing my hand and running me down the hall to play IMMEDIATELY after being reunited.
Or memories of hugging "Miss Crazy", a beautiful little girl, after she gave me her drawing... the giggle that she made from my tight squeeze, reminding me that this sort of love from strangers is so unreal.
Or picking up a crying infant, one who lays in her crib all day long in a hot stuffy room, and hearing her cry turn to soft breathing and she looks in your eyes with curiosity.
Memories like coloring with a girl who has severe cerebral palsy, and mostly forgotten, haunt me.
China is always there.
I wake up thinking about it, and I go to bed thinking about it.
I try to find a way to relate things to China or my experiences there or the kids who have come home or the kids who are still there.
Why? I ask God the same question.
But as I read Kisses from Katie, or look through pictures and tear up, I can't deny a longing to be back. A deep desire to be there RIGHT now. My heart aches thinking that I can't be there to squeeze them all day long, and color with them, or play games.
I MISS MY KIDS.
I've recently gotten a job and started to save every bit of money I possibly can so I can return to see the beautiful faces once again. I'm praying and hoping that I'll be able go back in the summer.
But in spite of that, there are some days when I just wish I could pack up and return. Right NOW.
But God has a plan. He knows what He's doing in my life. I can only hope and pray that apart of that plan is for me to return to the other half of my heart. Again, again, and again.
I don't really know what to make of all of this. Sometimes thinking of China puts me in a bad mood, longing to be there but being stuck here, half a world away. But most days it puts me in a good mood, thinking and remembering all the wonderful memories I've made with my Chenzhou kids and nannies.
Like I said, I don't know what to make of all of this. I don't know what the Lord is trying to tell me. I don't know when the answer to my prayers will come. I don't know when these pangs of missing China will end.
All I know is, I've had China on my mind.
