"Until Next Time..." (2013)

Many days, China is on my mind. But when I say China, I mean "my kids" from the Chenzhou orphanage. 

And on those days when I miss them so much, I like to go back and read a post I wrote on my last day in Chenzhou:

We started to leave and gave everyone hugs once more. Every time I saw Joy, though, I just cried. She has the most beautiful smile, and even when she cried tonight, she smiled and stayed strong. I hugged her one more time and the tears came, and she quickly wiped them from my eyes saying, "Until next time, until next time."

And that's how I'll end the night:
Until next time.

Because in that statement is hope. Hope for me, hope for the kids, and hope for the nannies.

I always read that because it gives me hope of another year. And as Joy said, "Until next time..." I nodded my head yes, as if promising that I will be back another year. I will be back soon. 


And today, I am so happy to announce that I will be keeping that promise. I WILL be back NEXT July (2013)!


Just typing that out makes my hear jump with joy. I can't wait to see all my sweet friends in Chenzhou again. This is something that I have prayerfully considered and believe that the Lord wants me back in Chenzhou next year for the fourth year in a row, and I couldn't be happier. :) 

I'm also excited to announce that I will be traveling with a huge team this year! 

Four of them are these girls who I love so much.

That makes for SIX (including our awesome team leader) of us returning! Our team is currently 15 members and counting! Last year we were struggling to get 10... and here we are 7 months away and we already have 15! God is good and I can't wait to see what He is doing in Chenzhou... I know He has big plans there.

Our trip this year is July 1-14... and we are leaving in LESS THAN 200 DAYS! 

That being said, please keep all 16 of us in your prayers as we raise money and prepare ourselves for the trip. 

Also pray that I don't drive myself crazy in having to wait to long. Haha! For now, I'll slowly watch the days tick away on my phone...

One of Those Days

Today I'm missing China.

More specifically Chenzhou.

I have these days quite often.

From the moment I open my eyes, my sweet kids are on my mind. All day long. And I absolutely love it.

Memories haunt my every moment.

I wonder how they're doing. I wonder how their normal routine is and how they spend their days when we're not there.

I wonder how Macy is. The beautiful girl I fell in love with... How is she feeling right now? Still bossing Taylor around and stealing piggy back rides from him? :) I wonder if anyone ever tickles her on her neck. Or dances with her. Or swings her upside down like she loves SO much. I wonder if she ever thinks of me. Because I think of her quite often.

I wonder if the kids miss us as much as we all miss them.

Somedays I wish I had all the money in the world to visit ALL the time.

Or maybe I'd just move there, instead.

Sometimes I think of what it would take or me to move over there. I seriously consider it sometimes.

That place has just stolen my heart... And I love it more than anywhere else I've ever been or lived.

I don't know why. It's a crummy part of town. It's so far away. It's so out of my comfort zone. But I love it. Definitely a love only God can give someone.

And I'm very grateful for that, but somedays it hurts. I miss it SO much, I don't even have words to describe it.

But for now, all I can do is save and pray for next year.

And today, I'll sit and dream the day away.

"Are you happy to be home?!"

That's the question I keep getting asked. From the moment I met my family at the airport all the way through church today.

And I struggle with the answer.

Because it goes both ways.

Yes, I am. I love my home. I missed my family and my friends.

But no, I'm not. I miss Chenzhou. The nannies, the kids, my team.

It hurts daily thinking about it.

You would think that the 3rd year would be easier.

But it's not, in a good way. We build up such strong relationships, that with every year that we go back, it's harder and harder to walk away from the place that I love. From the place that I fall in love with over and over again every year.

I think I cried harder this year than I ever have before.

And it's hard, because now I'm stuck at home, when I wish SO badly I could still be there.

I love it there. And after being there for a few days, you adjust to living in a third world country.There's something about being with those kids that makes you forget anything superficial and allows you to see past the gross and nasty.

Like, smelling bad and sweating all. the. time. Who cares? The kids certainly don't.

Or not caring that you're holding a child with split pants. a.k.a. holding their bare butt on your hip (sometimes being peed on, too!).

Or kissing a child's face that's covered in who knows what and smells bad.

I don't care about hard beds and firm pillows.

I don't care about how dirty my hotel bathtub was... I was thankful to be able to even shower at all.

Who cares if we blew Elyssa's straightener? My hair won't look pretty at the end of the day.

I don't care if we didn't have high blasting AC in our room... who needs that stuff anyways?

I DON'T CARE.

In fact, at the end of the day, I miss it a lot.

Not gonna lie, it's been a weird adjustment being home.

My bed feels TOO comfortable now. When I laid in bed the other night, I sunk in and I tossed and turned. It took me forever to get used to it. And I feel guilty in such a soft bed, when the kids I love are on hard wooden beds.

My house... is TOO cold. Is that possible? I never thought I'd say that. But after being in our super hot and stuffy hotel room, and an orphanage with no central air, I'm just not used to the AC. I froze my first night home.

The food is different. I'm not used to the super greasy food. I've noticed I don't eat as much. Maybe my body is still on China time? But I don't seem hungry for American food. I want my steamed bread and green beans.

I'm happy to be home, because I love my family. I missed them very much.

But I wish our trip was longer. One week in the orphanage just isn't enough.

I miss my team SO much. I made friendships that will last a lifetime.

When we all said our goodbyes on Friday, I walked away with tears streaming down my face.

We're family now. You can't go through something like this with a group of people and not come away feeling like family.

I immediately missed them.

And still do.

I can't even tell you the love I have for all of them.

And it hurts so badly being away. It cuts deep to my core.

And all I can say anymore is... I miss it.

I miss rolling on the ground in tickle fights. 

I miss Will playing with my camera.

I miss Macy's beautiful face. 

 I miss her sweet laugh.

I miss snuggling with Sarah.

I miss Joy's welcoming smile and motherly comfort.

I miss my team--my family.

I miss Shannon, my team leader, who worked SO hard for us to be in Chenzhou. So blessed by her love and dedication for Chenzhou. She is a remarkable woman, and I'm so thankful to call her my friend.

 I miss Makenna making fun of me, and always being there for comic relief. :)

I miss Annie's smile, wisdom, and servant heart.

I miss goofing off with these two. 

I miss the five of us being together.

I miss Elyssa and Charlie, two of my best friends who are my China buddies. :)

I miss our daily blogging-bonding time.

I just miss it all. Every little piece of it. I think this year has probably been the hardest to come back from. I'm so attached to everyone that I've met these past few weeks. 

God has broken my heart for those kids and nannies. 

I asked before we came that He would break our hearts for what breaks His. And I believe He has. He is doing great things in the hearts of my team. 

He's set people in my life to be there for me as I go through the hurt, people who understand and love me.

I am very blessed.

Very thankful.

Very broken.

Hong Kong Sightseeing

This is my blog from our sightseeing day in Hong Kong on Thursday:

Today we were able to sleep in quite a bit, which was so nice. We've been going to bed late and getting up pretty early for the past two weeks, so even an extra hour of sleep goes the extra mile.

I stayed with Makenna and Annie, who were very welcoming roommates. :) I was in their room most of the time before, so it wasn't that much of a change up.

For breakfast we wandered over to the airport to find some food. Some of us stopped at a Starbucks, and some of us stopped in Seven Eleven. I got a donut at Seven Eleven, which tasted like home. :)

We all met up at the airport and took a train to the city from there. The train ride was only about a 25 minute ride.

Once we got to the city we found a tour, The Big Bus Tour, and bought tickets. The Big Bus Tour is just a double decker bus that takes you to numerous stops throughout Hong Kong, and you can just get on and off whenever you want and then back on again when you're done. We all were excited to sit on top of the bus... but the excitement wore off after about 10 minutes in the hot sun.

We drove by some cool buildings, including the 9th tallest in the world that was also in The Dark Knight!

Our first stop was at The Peak. It's this big building you have to take a train up to, and at the top there's a huge view of HK. We went up to the building and found lots of shops and such up there... it was like a mall, almost!

When we got to the top we saw a spectacular view of Hong Kong. Literally saw the entire city. It was so beautiful. One side had the city, and the other side had the water... and the water side almost looked like Hawaii! So beautiful.

After we saw the view, a few stopped to get some food and their pictures at Bubba Gumps. ;) Then we were off again.

We drove for quite awhile along the outside of the city near the water. We finally stopped to take a SamPan boat tour. We hopped on a boat and drove around a bit. This is where people live in boats. I don't know how they do it... I'd be such a baby if I had to do that. Haha. But it was cool to see.

After that we drove back to our beginning point where some people went back to the hotel because they weren't feeling good, and the rest of us went shopping.

We stopped at Subway for a late lunch, and it was delicious! Tasted just like home! :)

Then we hopped on a ferry to another little island and took a bus to find the Lady's Market. We had a lot of trouble finding the market, though. It wasn't clearly market on the map, and no one seemed to know where to find it. We kept getting lost, and it seemed like forever before we actually found where we needed to be. Haha.

Once we got there we found it was an outdoor market, which is unusual, of all sorts of knock-off stuff. We all went shopping and got new stuff. There wasn't much of what I was looking for... I got my mama a nice purse, though, so I count that success. :)

After we were done, we got back on a bus and headed back to the hotel. It took us awhile, though, because our bus had to take the long way back to the ferry station. We were so confused as to what was going on, but all that matters is that we made it back. :)

We got to our hotel room and now we're packing up for a long trip home tomorrow. :( I'm dreading the 15 hour flight. It is NOT going to be pretty. Haha. I'm so sad I have to say goodbye to my team tomorrow. We've all bonded so well, and I've made lifelong friends on this trip. I wish we all came from the same place, because I'm going to miss them so much. So SO much. They've touched my heart, and I'll never forget them. <3

Hong Kong

Today we didn't do too much. It was just another travel day.

We left at 7 this morning, and Liz, Joy, Helen, and Mrs. Wang came to see us off. Which was great because we got to cry some more ;)

Liz was so sweet and made us hard boiled eggs to take for breakfast on the road. They all just have a servants heart, willing to help in any way.  Tt really amazes me.

I gave them all a hug again, and Joy last. And of course by the time we got to her I was all teary eyed. She told me not to cry again, and looked me in the eyes with the biggest, brightest smile. She was staying strong for us, just like a mama. I love her so much.

And then we were off. It was sad to see the city go. And I think a lot of us were down in spirits. I cried a lot last night, even after I went to bed... And I thought I'd gotten it all out, but after seeing the nannies and having to leave, I realized I hadn't.

We made it to the train station and onto our train. We were joking that Charlie's bag would be too big for the train because her bag is huge and packed to the max, but she somehow managed! We were all so proud.

The train was SO nice. I wish we could travel across the world in those. The seats are so comfortable and there is so much leg room. I slept for about an hour, and it was so nice. We need to come up with a way to ride those all the way. Or make planes with more leg room. I guess that's called first class, though. Haha.

I sat next to Fawn, our local Chinese guide, so we got to talk for awhile. She's such a sweetheart, and I'm so glad God put her with us again. She's such a blessing and has a wonderful sense of humor.

When we got to Hong Konyn, we found our drivers. We didn't realize that they were driving us for awhile, but they pulled out three big vans for us to take.

I gave Fawn a hug goodbye and climbed into one van with Annie and Makenna. I sat in the front seat, on the LEFT side, which I thought was weird. Being that they were a British colony, they drive on the left and the drivers seats are on the right in HK. And then we were off.

We had a lot of fun in our van talking. It was kinda awkward sitting by the driver at first, but he was nice and had brought us snacks and waters.

We got out at one point to go through customs. We had to give them a departure slip from china, and were given new HK forms to fill out, which was interesting. So I guess they're still kinda independent?

Our driver had some trouble with his car though, so we had to squeeze in with the other two vans, which wasn't a big deal. Our new driver was pretty interesting. He had bedazzled the whole dashboard on his car, and had fancy decorations everywhere. Haha. It was funny.

Our hotel is SO nice. It felt like home as soon as we walked in. We're definitely being spoiled.

It was funny because while Shannon was trying to check in, we were trying to get on the wifi. So I went up to a lady at the rest and said, "wifi code?" while pointing to my screen. She looked at me and said, "Go to the business center." in perfect English. I felt pretty stupid. 

When we got to our hotel, we tried to check in, but it was only 1:30, and check in wasn't until 3. So we ran down to one of the restaurants to eat lunch. We had PIZZA, which wasn't quite like home, but still tasted amazing. So glad to have that.

We checked in to our rooms and we have a room with three beds, so I'm rooming with Annie and Makenna, to give Shannon a break after a long week. ;) she definitely deserves it.

We decided today to not do anything... Everyone is just so tired and we thought it'd be too much to go out to the city. So we went and looked for dinner later and we just went back to our rooms and we've been hanging out. Which is honestly nice because we've been on the go nonstop side we left Shanghai. It's nice to have a break and to rest up. Tomorrow we're going to tour the city on our own. It should be fun, and I'm looking forward to it.

If you get a chance please pray for our guide, Fawn. She's taking a 22 hour train ride back home today (and I thought we had it bad!), and she's had a long week. So pray everything goes smoothly and she stays sane ;).

Until Next Time...Saying Goodbye

I don’t even know how to process today... Makenna and I are both baffled at how to even begin. We’re sitting next to each other, and for at least 5 minutes our screens were blank. Just a blinking space bar to taunt me. It’s been a long, hard, day. And I’m not sure any of us realized it would be that way.

I woke up this morning and was super tired, I thought I was going to be skipping breakfast. So I slept in until 7, woke up and got ready super quickly and ended up going to breakfast. Everyone was so quiet, thinking about what lay ahead. And I wanted to be joyful, glad for the times that we had with the kids, but boy, it was hard. I was sad. Numerous times Annie said I didn’t look good. But we ate and headed off to the orphanage.

We spent our time with the babies this morning because we’d been told that we would have a party with the older kids in the afternoon. So I got Cassie from the big kid room and we had some fun together. She seemed to be doing well at first. She was alert and looking all over, holding her head up for long periods of time.

Shannon and I went and met with the director to ask some questions. We asked about the heart babies and it sounds like Love Without Boundaries decides who gets surgeries and they fundraise for them. So we’ll be in contact with them when we get home about the heart babies. We had a good meeting and I was happy to hear the answers to some questions. If I remember I’ll post them later.

After that I went to find Cassie because she was crying. Her ear started to hurt her again, and had stuff coming out of it. It was so gross, and I could tell it hurt her a lot. She was also tired and hungry which didn’t help. But I was able to calm her down by rocking. She would fall asleep for a few minutes and then wake up because she would hear someone and be distracted looking. So I tucked myself into a corner hoping it would work. And it did for the most part, but people still went to get things off of a nearby shelf, and she heard and would become upset.

Eventually her bottle came and I was able to feed her. She sucked that thing down! And she wanted even more, and whined and fussed until they got to her the second bottle. She only ate probably 2 ounces of the second one, though, and wouldn’t take it no matter what I did. She NEEDS that so bad… she probably needs about 3 of those to get her fat. After that she fell asleep, and it’s the most peaceful I’ve seen her my entire trip. I could tell her ear hurt her so bad today, though, because she kept rubbing it. It made me so sad. She’d had that since we got there, and I can only imagine how she felt.

The time came for us to leave and the nannies came to take her away. I kissed her so many times and was very teary eyed.

It’s hard saying bye to Cassie and Sarah, because they’re special need babies. The others I KNOW will be adopted. The cute little ones and the healthy babies. But the ones with severe special needs, it’s hard to see, because I think that they’ll be here with the older kids soon. And for Sarah and Cassie, I don’t know if they’ll live much longer if they don’t gain weight and get surgery. I pray that they stay strong, and that they are fighters.

I smelled like her all day. At one point in the day I even sprayed body spray on me to get rid of the nasty smell, but that didn’t work too well. But now, it’s surprisingly comforting. The smell that once repulsed me, gives me peace and comfort. It’s amazing what one week can do.

Anyways, after lunch I came back and started to pack up my bags. *sigh*

Back at the orphanage, most of the older kids were still in bed from their nap and getting dressed/changed. So we spent a few minutes cooling off in the baby room and counting our money for the donation. With the money we had, we were able to replace cribs in 1 ½ rooms. Praise God! Because they needed them.

When we went out to find the kids, they were still getting dressed. At one point I looked into the hall and Macy was getting lip stick on her cheeks and the nanny rubbed it in, like blush, along with a red dot on her head. And she thought it was so funny. Soon a lot of the girls got them, which was cute.

They were all super excited and wound up about this afternoon. It was crazy crazy, but I loved seeing them so excited.

We spent the first hour doing some crafts, such as making door hangers and coloring. The kids really love any craft. Macy took Taylor and sat him in my lap while she stood and colored on hers. Taylor wrote his name a few times in Chinese and did a great job. I was super impressed.

Chun Chun was so sweet and made me a door hanger with her Chinese name and my Chinese name, and then “I love you” in Chinese. It was so sweet. I love that girl SO much. I am so touched by her generosity and kindness.

For awhile we just had some free time to play with the kids.  Someone got some dress up clothes out, and Macy put on a cute ballerina tutu on. I didn’t see her do it, but when she came over to show me, she was BEAMING. It made me smile so much. When I made a big deal out of it, she giggled so much. I loved it.

I love her.

I really wish I was 30.

I really wish I could adopt.

Because I’d take her home in a heartbeat.

Nevermind her disability. We’d work around it.

She is PERFECT in my eyes, and I wish I could bring her home with me.

AGH. It is so hard.

Anyways, the time came for us to have our party. We had a lot of confusion on where it would be happening, and at what time, but we finally figured it out. The party was held on the 9^th floor.

We’ve never been up there before, and it looks like a big conference room. There was a stage and chairs all lined up for us and the kids.

While we waited I listened to sweet Emmy sing, and Annie taught Gracie how to dougie. Hahaha. So funny.

Our program started with us presenting the president of the orphanage with a map of the world, and we’d tied red thread from Chenzhou to each of our homes in America. I loved it, and I think they did too. They presented us with gifts. We each got a beautiful embroidered handkerchief and a picture frame with a picture of us at the orphanage. It was such a sweet and thoughtful gift, and we all love them. After that we gave out the nanny bags to all the nannies and any other extra workers.

Then it all began. A few of the kids got up on the stage and sang a song with hand motions for us. They were so cute, and they had SO much fun doing it.

The second song was with most of the kids and a few nannies, and they danced around in a circle singing. I can’t really tell you what they were saying… man, I really need to learn Chinese.

Our turn came next, and we all got up to sing Edelweiss, once in English, and then Annie sang it in Chinese. She’d worked so hard to learn it, and she did a fantastic job. They all sang along with her the second time.

After that we decided we should do the Cha Cha Slide. So we invited some of the kids to get up and do it with us, and they all jumped up immediately and came on stage. Haha. I went down to grab Macy, but she didn’t want to come up. I don’t think she realized I was going to hold her and dance with her, and she didn’t want to just be sitting on the stage with me. So she kept shaking her head.

So we got up on stage and looked like fools doing the Cha Cha slide :). The kids seemed to like it, and tried to catch on which was fun. Macy ended up coming on stage, so I grabbed her and we danced and had some fun. I really enjoyed dancing with her.

The closing act were all the nannies and kids. They got up and sang a song together. Towards the end of the song, all the nannies started crying really hard. So naturally, seeing them cry, made us cry. They’re all so sweet, and I love them all so much.

After that we brought out two big cakes that we had bought for everyone. They were covered in fruit and beautiful. When the kids saw them they all went CRAZY. One cute girl, Ava, went and stuck her fingers in the frosting and thought she was SO funny. Oh goodness. We lit the really cool flower candles, and then sang happy birthday to all the kids. Everyone really enjoyed the cake… but I’m pretty sure we loved it more than anyone else. We devoured the fruit on top of one of them. Kiwi, pineapple, peach and all. It was SO good. I’ve missed fruit so much. It was delicious. And everyone was digging in… forget the actual cake, we wanted the fruit! Haha.

After everyone was done, we helped clean up and then headed down to get our stuff. I brought Macy in with me, and she looked through all the stuff we brought for the babies and picked up a bunch of toys wondering what they were. Then I brought her into the room they usually stay in and gave her lots of hugs and kisses. We did our usual tickle fight, swung her upside down, and just sat there chillin’ with each other, too. She loves all of them. It was time for us to go, but I just couldn’t say goodbye. I started bawling, along with Elyssa and Charlie on either sides of the room. Bawling saying goodbye to our precious children. I can’t even tell you how many kisses I gave Macy. At one point, a nanny came and took her away… and it was way too soon. I needed more time. Just a few more minutes.

But I leaned down and kissed Sarah and Cassie one more time, saying a little prayer over them. Still bawling, mind you.

Joy came in the room and saw all of us in a mess, and came over and gave me a big hug. She said, “Don’t cry! Don’t cry!” So many times in Chinese, and wiped my tears. I kept nodding, but they just kept coming. She was bawling too. She held me tight, and we just hugged each other for a long time.

Then sweet Macy found her way back into my room, so I quickly snatched her up and started walking to the door. I told her so many times I loved her, and that she’s going to make a family so happy someday. I cried more than I think I ever have.

It hurts. And reliving it right now, makes my heart hurt to the core.

I stood in the hallway waiting for Charlie, Elyssa, and Molly to come out. They walked out and so did Joy. So that was it. I HAD to say goodbye now. So I took Macy, held her as tight as I could and kissed her all over like I always did. And she didn’t even try to wipe all my kisses off this time :’). I set her down and told her one last time that I loved her, and then walked away. She looked so sad… it broke my heart.

Joy was so sweet to me today. Kept telling me as we walked to the elevator not to cry. We hugged each other as we both cried. She was like a mother though, comforting me and telling me everything would be alright. She wiped my tears and we acted alright.

When we reached outside Chun Chun came up one last time to see me and I gave her a hug and assured her I would email her when I got home. She smiled and told me not to cry, she will see me next time. :)

Joy kept acting like she wasn’t coming to dinner with us tonight, and she still had her uniform on. She kept shaking her head no and making an eating motion, so I didn’t think I’d get to see her again. But when the driver came to pick us up for dinner, she hopped in the car with us and drove off. We were all delighted.

When we got to the restaurant and it was weird because all of our team sat at one table and the staff sat on another because there wasn’t enough room. It just was very strange. But they paid for our meal, which was very nice.

 

At the end, Mr. Ren presented us with a nice group picture that we had taken that day. It was such a sweet picture and I’m in love with it.

We started to leave and gave everyone hugs once more. Everytime I saw Joy, though, I just cried. She has the most beautiful smile, and even when she cried tonight, she smiled and stayed strong. I hugged her one more time and the tears came, and she quickly wiped them from my eyes saying, “Until next time, until next time.”

And that’s how I’ll end the night: Until Next Time.

Because in that statement is hope. Hope for me, hope for the kids, and hope for the nannies.

I miss them already. And all that I can do to explain to you is that it hurts.

Pain for those children and pain for me.

I fell in love with this place all over again. And I think it caught me off guard.

I think it caught a lot of us off guard. I don’t think any of us thought it would be this hard. And I’ve never cried this hard in my life.

I even attached a picture of me and Joy crying. I realized I hadn’t gotten a picture with her, so I asked while we were in the middle crying… and this is even AFTER we had calmed ourselves down. So  you don’t believe me? Look at the picture. We both are looking rough, but really, that’s how hard it is.

Anyways, I’m done. Tomorrow we leave Chenzhou early in the morning for Hong Kong. And then we’ll have a day there. Pray for our travels and time together. I know we all needed an upbeat day after today.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed today. SO much. And the rest of the week. And I leave them in peace knowing that they’re in good care. It’s still just sad. And I know the Lord has placed this love in our hearts for a reason. And I’m SO excited to see what He uses it for.

One thing we noticed this year as that they were very welcoming, and a lot more open with their emotions. Much more affectionate and loving towards us, which was wonderful. We’re making breakthroughs, and I’m so glad.

Anyways, I need to get to bed. We leave bright and early tomorrow. Thank you all for your prayers today. I know they helped a lot. 

Chenzhou Orphanage - Day 7, Monday

So  we’re all getting sick of breakfast, I think. We were missing about 3 or 4 people at breakfast today.

Anyways, we walked to the orphanage today, and it had rained yesterday, and I think it rained some this morning. Most of the sidewalks aren’t like our sidewalks but are made of a stone that’s as slippery as marble. SO, that being said, I didn’t realize it was rainy this morning, and I wore flip flops which was in interesting experience. I was sliding all over the place.

When we arrived we went up to see the big kids. When we got off the elevator Macy was sitting on the ground, and other kids were jumping on me, so Makenna picked her up and walked while I carried Hope. She and I had some fun. We got everyone downstairs and we took them outside.

We sat down in a circle and did more songs. We sang songs like Hokey Pokey, Father Abraham, and just other nursery rhymes. The kids LOVED it. I had Hope on my lap and we had some fun together. The Hokey Pokey was her favorite :). She laughed and giggled so much, it made me so happy.

I felt bad, though, because Macy sat across from me and didn’t do much during our circle time. And I did want to give Hope attention, because I’ve been giving Macy so much. They all need it. So I held Hope and we had a ball together.

Annie and I played London Bridges with all the kids, as well, and that was a big hit. Everyone WANTED to be caught here, though. It was so funny.

After our circle time we got some balloons out and they all seemed to have fun! Facepaint  and tattoos came out, as well. They all loved it. Chun Chun came to visit us, and I asked if she wanted me to paint her face and she didn’t, but she painted mine which was cool. I think she painted an apple, but I can’t be sure. It rubbed off pretty quickly. But she loved doing it. She’s such a sweet girl, I love her!

I went to help out with the other kids, and I went to find Macy. She was acting funny, though. I think she was mad at me for playing with Hope. I sat her on my lap and she got off quickly and went over to Makenna again. Later today Charlie was holding her, and I reached my arms out for me to hold her and she wouldn’t come to me and pulled away.

I’m not gonna lie, it hurt.

I was sad. My sweet girl whom I fell in love with didn’t want me. She wouldn’t come to me.

Wouldn’t look at me.

Wouldn’t smile.

And I didn’t know what to do.

For the first time in my life, I think I got a glimpse of what it felt like to be rejected. I mean, I’ve had people not like me in life, don’t get me wrong. But this was different. It was like, I loved her SO much, and she just made an effort to show me she didn’t want me. She was mad. And it hurt deep. And I can’t completely explain it, but it was almost like it happened so I would get a feeling, just a glimpse, of what it was like to be left like an orphan. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying its anything comparable. But it was a glimpse into how they feel, even to this day, about being abandoned. I think it was also a, “you’re going to leave me soon, so I’m going to leave you first” type of a thing, too. I know as hard as it is for us to leave, it’s hard for them too. And I feel like she was just trying not to get hurt.

It broke my heart. For her, and for me.

But I made sure to let her know I still loved her. At one point I went over to where she was sitting and gave her a few kisses on the cheek. I could see she started to smile a bit, but didn’t want me to see. You know how that goes.

I walked around helping kids get tattoos and cleaning up a bit. And then it happened. Sweet Macy came crawling over to me and asked for me to pick her up.

I think I could’ve cried.

It really made me realize how much I love her. I mean, I was given the silent treatment for what seems like FOREVER, and she finally wanted me back. I really don’t want to say goodbye. It’s going to be SO hard.

SO, we played for a bit and made balloon hats from those long skinny balloons. She really enjoyed that. I showed her how to twist them and make them stay together, and she copied whatever I did with my balloon.

Then everyone brought out the dressup stuff and Macy got some fake hair and sunglasses, but kept playing with her balloons. She loved those balloons.

After some time she we pulled out a mask craft and had some fun doing that. I feel like I say this EVERY TIME I talk about crafts and Macy, but she just loves it and zones into whatever we’re doing and really enjoys it. She colored on it for awhile and then added some sequins.

Taylor helping his friend, Macy

She’s become really good friends with a boy we named Taylor, and so she always plays with him. So she called him over and took his cape that he was using for dress up, and then gave him the mask instead. So because she was dressed like a superhero, I picked her up and made her fly in the air like one, and she laughed so hard it made my heart happy. I love her little laugh. So we spent some time flying around. :)  If Macy's legs can't work so she can walk, at least she can fly, right?

We went in and we had bought them some snacks and drinks, so they had snack time and enjoyed that. We put on some music and the kids liked to dance a little bit. I picked Macy up and we bounced and danced while she held Taylor’s hand. We were all inseparable today, it was cute. At one point about 10 of us were all holding hands and dancing. We had a lot of fun today.

Molly brought out water colors again, and Macy was interested so we sat down and painted for a bit. I sat her down and she pulled me down to sit in the seat next to her. I can’t even tell you how much joy that gave me. She even trusted me to hold her sunglasses and balloons that she’d kept. When we sat down I noticed that she had a thing of paints in front of her, but Daisy, a little girl with downs, wanted paint SO badly so she gave it to her and Macy waited her turn. Such a sweet girl.

So we painted together. She had fun making the paints watery and then dumping them out and seeing how they looked on her paper. I drew a rainbow on her paper and we had lots of fun giggling together.

After a while I got up and went to talk to Chun Chun. I asked her to give me a Chinese name, and she thought about it for awhile and then said, “Lan Lan”. It means blue like the sea. She’s very sweet.

I played with Macy and Taylor for awhile, and eventually I had 3 other kids on me laughing and rolling around on the floor. So full of joy.

Chun Chun came up behind me and she gave me her name and email address and told me to email her sometime. I said I was excited to email her and I gave her mine, as well. So sweet. I can’t wait to send her pictures and all. She’s so sweet. :)

So eventually I had to take the kids upstairs and I held Macy while Taylor held her hand and practically dragged us along. He’s a sweet boy, though.

When we got to the upstairs room, I found a little boy who is very violent sitting in the corner. He literally hits, kicks, and pinches to get your attention. There’s no way to calm him down usually. But Makenna was with him today and he was calming down. So I sat next to him and scratched my head and he sat there with the biggest smile. He’s so sweet when he keeps his anger in.

Anyways, the other kids didn’t like it, because they didn’t want him to get attention. So they literally came jumping all over me, Hope was pinching me SO hard, and I wanted to cry. I couldn’t get them to stop, either, because every time I told them “NO!” and gave them really stern looks, they just laughed and thought it was funny. And then would do it again. I don’t understand, because this happens frequently, but today it just got to be too much.

I had to just walk away or I think I would’ve screamed. Haha. And I was trying not to show it, but when I came down the elevator Makenna said, “ooh, rough day at the office?” Haha. Always makes me laugh.

But, yeah. We left about 20 minutes early because the kids were getting crazy and wouldn’t listen to anyone but the nannies.

Not much happened at lunch. Charlie and Elyssa started packing during our break :( It made me so sad. I still have mine to do, but it makes me sad thinking about it.

Back at the orphanage, we spent our afternoon with the babies, as usual. It’s a nice relaxing time. As much as I love those kids, it’s nice to have a break and to be able to love on the calm ones, too. It really makes me appreciate the nannies who work ALL day long EVERY day.

Anyways, I picked up Sarah and brought her into the baby room after her nap and we had some fun. She’s a very serious girl… So is Cassie. While the other babies laugh and babble, they sit and observe. I wish I could get them to smile, but it’s just not their personality. And they need the love just as much as the others. I’m happy to be able to hold them and pray over them while I have the chance. Those girls are going to be fighters. I’m praying so hard that they are fighters and make it through it all. Tomorrow Shannon gets to have a meeting with Mrs. Wang, so I think that we’ll find out then what we can do to help these precious heart babies who need to get stronger for surgery.

I spent today helping out anybody and everybody. We had a lot of babies in the room today, so whoever was crying or needed attention, got it from me. It was fun to get to play with each one of the babies, and I got to feed an infant. I loved the opportunity to get to know each baby in snippets.

One baby, Claire, I spent a lot of time with. She was so funny to play with. One second she’d be totally happy and the next she’d fuss to no end. Makenna and I got a kick out of her. She was so sweet though, and whenever she was happy she babbled on and on. She has the biggest eyes and cheeks, and is so precious. Love her so much.

Elyssa held Cassie this afternoon, and I think she’s feeling A LOT better, which is so encouraging. She didn’t fuss as much, and her sore on the back of her head is looking better. She seemed more content and wasn’t so uncomfortable, which made me so happy to see. I worried about her so much laying on those beds, but she seems much much better. Praise God!

When we left the babies this afternoon all the kids were outside in the halls, but they all were acting funny. I think something had happened right before, because Taylor was crying really hard and they were sweeping up something. All the kids were solemn, and didn’t try to get all over that much. It was surprising, and I really want to know what happened. I just pray that they’re in better spirits tomorrow.

Tomorrow is our last day. And I honestly don’t know how I’m going to do it. We all bawled walking IN to the orphanage, can you imagine how we’ll feel when we leave? I know I’m leaving them in a great orphanage, and I know that they’re very well taken care of. No, it’s not the best. They could have families, and I wouldn’t ever want a child to HAVE to live there, but for the situation they’re in, they’re in one of the best. They love each other, and the nannies love them. They told us they don’t get paid a lot, but it’s WORTH IT for those kids. And I SO agree. It’s just HARD having to leave. My heart breaks thinking about it.

I’m going to miss my sweet Macy. Chun Chun. Cassie. Sarah. Joy. And Liz.

I shouldn’t have favorites. And I’d like to say I don’t, but these sweet ones have a special place in my heart. They’ve really touched me this year. And it’s going to be so hard.

We were talking to Liz, the nanny, today about how when we left last year, we cried A LOT. She did too, though. And talking about it made her teary eyed already. I love them so much.

And it’s hard to think that it’ll be at least another year before we see them.

But I know this is the way God planned it, this is the way it was meant to be. But please pray for all of us as we leave and say goodbye to the precious children and sweet nannies of Chenzhou. It will be hard on all of us. And that’s all I can really say about it. It’s going to be HARD.

I will apologize in advance for tomorrow’s blog. I don’t know if I’ll be able to express myself like I wish I could.  At the end of the day, I can’t even remember what happened in the morning. The days are SO long. And it’s hard to process everything that happens. Haha. So with being extra emotionally drained, it could be interesting.

So that’s that. Please cover us in prayers tonight and tomorrow. We appreciate it more than you know!