"Are you happy to be home?!"

That's the question I keep getting asked. From the moment I met my family at the airport all the way through church today.

And I struggle with the answer.

Because it goes both ways.

Yes, I am. I love my home. I missed my family and my friends.

But no, I'm not. I miss Chenzhou. The nannies, the kids, my team.

It hurts daily thinking about it.

You would think that the 3rd year would be easier.

But it's not, in a good way. We build up such strong relationships, that with every year that we go back, it's harder and harder to walk away from the place that I love. From the place that I fall in love with over and over again every year.

I think I cried harder this year than I ever have before.

And it's hard, because now I'm stuck at home, when I wish SO badly I could still be there.

I love it there. And after being there for a few days, you adjust to living in a third world country.There's something about being with those kids that makes you forget anything superficial and allows you to see past the gross and nasty.

Like, smelling bad and sweating all. the. time. Who cares? The kids certainly don't.

Or not caring that you're holding a child with split pants. a.k.a. holding their bare butt on your hip (sometimes being peed on, too!).

Or kissing a child's face that's covered in who knows what and smells bad.

I don't care about hard beds and firm pillows.

I don't care about how dirty my hotel bathtub was... I was thankful to be able to even shower at all.

Who cares if we blew Elyssa's straightener? My hair won't look pretty at the end of the day.

I don't care if we didn't have high blasting AC in our room... who needs that stuff anyways?

I DON'T CARE.

In fact, at the end of the day, I miss it a lot.

Not gonna lie, it's been a weird adjustment being home.

My bed feels TOO comfortable now. When I laid in bed the other night, I sunk in and I tossed and turned. It took me forever to get used to it. And I feel guilty in such a soft bed, when the kids I love are on hard wooden beds.

My house... is TOO cold. Is that possible? I never thought I'd say that. But after being in our super hot and stuffy hotel room, and an orphanage with no central air, I'm just not used to the AC. I froze my first night home.

The food is different. I'm not used to the super greasy food. I've noticed I don't eat as much. Maybe my body is still on China time? But I don't seem hungry for American food. I want my steamed bread and green beans.

I'm happy to be home, because I love my family. I missed them very much.

But I wish our trip was longer. One week in the orphanage just isn't enough.

I miss my team SO much. I made friendships that will last a lifetime.

When we all said our goodbyes on Friday, I walked away with tears streaming down my face.

We're family now. You can't go through something like this with a group of people and not come away feeling like family.

I immediately missed them.

And still do.

I can't even tell you the love I have for all of them.

And it hurts so badly being away. It cuts deep to my core.

And all I can say anymore is... I miss it.

I miss rolling on the ground in tickle fights. 

I miss Will playing with my camera.

I miss Macy's beautiful face. 

 I miss her sweet laugh.

I miss snuggling with Sarah.

I miss Joy's welcoming smile and motherly comfort.

I miss my team--my family.

I miss Shannon, my team leader, who worked SO hard for us to be in Chenzhou. So blessed by her love and dedication for Chenzhou. She is a remarkable woman, and I'm so thankful to call her my friend.

 I miss Makenna making fun of me, and always being there for comic relief. :)

I miss Annie's smile, wisdom, and servant heart.

I miss goofing off with these two. 

I miss the five of us being together.

I miss Elyssa and Charlie, two of my best friends who are my China buddies. :)

I miss our daily blogging-bonding time.

I just miss it all. Every little piece of it. I think this year has probably been the hardest to come back from. I'm so attached to everyone that I've met these past few weeks. 

God has broken my heart for those kids and nannies. 

I asked before we came that He would break our hearts for what breaks His. And I believe He has. He is doing great things in the hearts of my team. 

He's set people in my life to be there for me as I go through the hurt, people who understand and love me.

I am very blessed.

Very thankful.

Very broken.