Wednesday, July 3rd

Wednesday, July 3^rd

*sigh* What a day.

My heart is so heavy.

I have so many emotions running through me right now. It’s been rough in a few aspects, and exciting in many. So… let’s start at the beginning.

Slept through the whole night and woke up about 7:15. We got ready and went to breakfast at 8. It was different than our traditional breakfast… it was sit down and our guide ordered for us rather than the cart coming around and us picking what we wanted. It was pretty good, but I don’t think any of us were too hungry, all too excited.

We walked to the orphanage, taking in all the sights and smells of Chenzhou. It’s so nice to be back. We’ve gotten lots of stares. I always forget that people stare and that we’re like a big show around here, and it’s always so shocking that they’ve never seen an American. So many “Hullooo”s from people on the streets, it’s so funny. Last night at KFC a little boy was eyeing us all night and kept coming near our table, so one time I said, “Ni Hao!” and he squealed and ran away. It was so funny.

As we approached the orphanage I noticed the nannies standing in the baby room looking out the window waiting for us to come. Tears swelled up in my eyes.

 We walked in and were met by Helen who gave us hugs. Little Mia came out of the school room and grabbed Elyssa’s hand and pulled her into the room. We found a few other kids in there coloring and playing. We got to play with them and meet some of the new kids that weren’t there last year… which of course just breaks my heart, because they’re all older.

There were only like, 8 kids in that room, and I think some of them were doing school, so we decided to go upstairs and see the other kids.

Immediately Ray came to see me and I picked him up and gave him a big ol’ hug. He’s such a sweet boy… but he wasn’t acting like himself today. He was so quiet. But he kept pointing at the tv and smiling, so we sat down and watched a little bit of Spongebob, haha. I rubbed his back for a little bit and he ended up snuggling with me while we sat there. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that my heart baby, Sarah, was in a crib.

After Ray decided to come off my lap I got up and went to pick her up. She’s just about the same size as last year. *sigh* It breaks my heart. She needs to get bigger. She hasn’t changed a bit since last year. She can’t sit up, she’s so fragile, she breathes so heavily, and she still holds her hands in front of her while she’s lying down. I picked her up and walked around with her. I tried to get her to sit up and after about a minute she’d start to whine, because she’s just not strong enough to sit up. Breaks my heart. I came back into the big kid’s room and laid her back in her crib, and went to play with some more of the kids.

I met a new little girl, she’s so sweet. She has some sort of mental disability… but I’m not quite sure what it is exactly. She and I played for a bit. She loved the simplest things. We clapped our hands, I scratched her arms for a bit, which she absolutely loved. They came around with a snack: fish flavored cracker sticks. So I spent some time feeding her and another little boy from the package.

 

While I was feeding the two, I noticed that one of the nannies had propped Sarah up against the corner of the crib so she was sitting up.            She looked so sad just sitting there… and eventually tried to fall asleep. She kept being woken up by everyone in the room. So once the kids were done with their snacks I went and snatched her and brought her into the baby room again. But of course, there were screaming babies in there, hah. So I took her and we walked up and down the halls. Occasionally she would fall asleep but then would wake up soon after because she heard something. I don’t know how this child gets any sleep.

 

Throughout the day everyone kept asking me, “Have you seen Cassie (the other heart baby)?” And I hadn’t. I had looked in all the rooms except one… and I honestly didn’t want to look, in fear that she wouldn’t be there. At one point Shannon asked me if I had seen her, and she mentioned that she didn’t see her in any of the rooms. I said I would ask, but needed a picture. I was terrified, though. Shannon said, “I’m almost scared to ask.” And that’s exactly how I felt.

She realized she had a photo album with all the kid’s pictures in it, so I took that into the other room and had Steve ask Joy where Cassie was. They sat there and talked for awhile. They asked what her disability was, and when I said she was a heart baby, they talked and talked and talked. And then suddenly Steve said, “She’s not here. She’s dead.”

My stomach dropped.

“She’s dead.”

Even now my heart is racing thinking of the moment.

My sweet Cassie has died.

I stood there in disbelief. How could this happen? She was alive just a few months ago.

I was sick to my stomach. Still in shock.

All the nannies and kids by then were looking through the photo albums, so I had to stay and wait for them because there weren’t a lot of our team around. I stood there, totally dazed.

Shannon came in the room wondered if I had asked, and when I shook my head she said, “she passed away?” And once I shook my head, it was at that moment that I cried. Tears filled my eyes. I needed to get out of there. Charlie came and gave me a big hug, which made me cry even more.

I looked over at everyone with the photo albums. Joy caught my eye, and I could tell she was concerned. She looked at me with the sweetest face—I don’t really know how to describe it, but it was caring. I gave a quick smile and left.

…and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t go bawl my eyes out.

It’s so hard.

I wish I had done so much more to get her help. I KNEW she and Sarah needed it. I should’ve worked so much harder.

I just lived in denial that it was really that severe.

The good thing is… I believe she’s in a better place now. I will see her again. And her heart is whole now, she is healed.

It’s just so hard to live with the reality of it all.

This is reality for those kids. This is the reality of an orphanage.

*sigh*

After calming down a bit, I went into one of the baby rooms with Julia, Amy, and Danielle. I helped as one of the babies was losing his bottle. I held it up for him while he laid in his crib. Joy came into the room, and she looked at me with her caring eyes and gave me a hug. She truly is like a loving mom. I was so touched by her today.

 

By the time the baby finished his bottle it was time for us to go to lunch.

I cried some more. And I’m just grateful for the team that I have who are so comforting. I’m so glad I’m here with close friends.

We went to the market to get water and whatever else we needed. We raided the oreo aisle, of course, stalking up on all of our crazy flavors.

Then we went down to lunch, which was good. I always love the food here. We went back to our room, blogged a little bit, and then headed back to the orphanage.

We spent most of our afternoon with the babies. Though, a few of the big kids were in the room with the babies. I played with Drew, an older boy, for a little bit. He loved playing with the baby toys. We also made a game out of him throwing the ball, and I would dramatically go and get the ball, sometimes crawling on the floor, sometimes rolling around, reaching as far as I could… the list goes on. But he LOVED it. He smiled and smiled. He’s such a sweet boy. Eventually we got into playing with some of the other babies.

At one point I noticed that we didn’t have a whole lot of the babies in the playroom with us, so Kathryn and I went out to find some more to bring in there. Walking down the hallway, Joy noticed my miss-matching socks and pointed at them and laughed. I said to Steve, our Chinese guide,  “She’s making fun of my socks!” and he asked, “Yes… why do you not wear the pairs of socks?” Haha, I guess that’s not normal in China. Although, I guess it’s not normal in America either.

When we got into the room where they sleep, I picked a baby up and asked if I could take him down to the playroom (of course using our bad sign language), and the lady (whom I’d never seen before) told me to keep him in the room. So I laid him down and she pointed to his diaper and kind of made it sound like she just needed to change the diaper. I offered to do it, but she said she would. While she did that, a little boy two cribs down started sobbing, the saddest cry I’ve ever heard. So I went over to rub his cheeks and talk to him, singing a song here and there. I think he was blind, because he never looked at me or anything. I continued to do this, and when she was done I motioned to her and asked if I could pick him up, just so I could rock him a little bit. But she shook her head. So… I took that as a no. I don’t know if she just didn’t understand me, or if I misunderstood her, or if she really didn’t want me to hold him. But I was sad, and felt so bad for the little guy.

I’d never seen this nanny before, so she may not trust us. Which I totally understand. But he needed to be held and rocked to sleep. *sigh*

This is the reality of an orphanage.

So I walked back to the playroom and I sat and talked with some of the nannies, which was fun. I love hearing them. We showed them pictures of some of the babies that have been adopted recently, and they were so happy to see them. You can tell they really do love the kids. Their faces lit up when they saw them and how they’re doing so well in their new families in America.

Time came for dinner, so they brought in a big pot of their rice mush and scooped it into bowls, and then let me feed some of the kids. So that was a lot of fun.

 

I played with a little boy named Su for awhile. He has been there previous years, he was Shawn’s (a past team member) baby boy, but he never wanted us to go near him much last year. He also couldn’t move much, could only roll over a little bit. But this year he’s a whole new boy. He’s so happy, so personable. He can sit up all by himself, He can crawl, and he can stand up if someone’s helping him.

I pulled out my phone to snap a few pictures, and when I turned the screen around for him to see himself, he thought it was THE funniest thing. He laughed and laugh and pointed at the screen. It was so funny.

 

Then at one point I stood him up which he LOVED. So I took his hands and we walked all around the room, and he laughed some more. He is probably the happiest kid I’ve ever met. He was so proud and so excited that he was walking around.

Then it was time to go. We cleaned up a little bit, said our goodbyes, and then left.

 

 

 

 

We went to dinner at the hotel again, and the dinner was delicious. It was sweet Emily’s birthday today, so we celebrated and got a cake for her! :)

 

 

We went back to our rooms, I took a quick shower, and then we had devotions as a group. And now I’m about to head to bed. 

It’s been a hard day, and I’m already just drained.

Please pray with me. I’m hoping to find out about some supplemental formulas for my sweet heart baby, Sarah, tomorrow.  I need to find a way to get her bigger and stronger. All prayers are so appreciated right now.